There is no right or wrong way to prepare for a loved one's death

THERE IS NO best way to spiritually prepare for death -- your ownor someone else's. But learning what dying people need from us canhelp us support them and prepare for our own death. We asked some ofour colleagues who serve dying people and their families to sharesome of what they've learned from their intimate exposure to peoples'final passages.

Mona Reeva, a licensed clinical social worker, psychologist andconsultant in Berkeley, spoke about readiness for death. Although"letting go of our lives and our life force can be traumatic," shehas found that people who have lived full lives without lots ofregrets -- whether or not they have religious beliefs -- tend to beat peace as they approach their death. That doesn't mean, however,that they don't try to remedy certain situations or hang on for thesake of other people in their lives.

Karen Meltzer, a hospice nurse in Emeryville, says that herpatients' beliefs often affect their readiness for death -- but notalways as you might expect. For example, people who believe in Godand an eternal afterlife may eagerly anticipate their passing or fearit, depending upon whether they are relying on their God'sunconditional love or harshly judging themselves.

People who are close to a dying person often feel it's importantto stay with their loved one constantly until the last breath. ButMeltzer stresses that toward the end, the dying person needs to goinside, disconnect and leave.

"Family needs to express their love and support their loved one'sneed to let go," Meltzer says.

She recognizes that this is very hard but otherwise their hoveringcan be like "a big heavy blanket trapping the dying spirit that needsto get out." She adds that especially toward the end, family andfriends need to rely on each other and helping professionals, such asthe hospice staff.

Thomas Stella, an author ("The God Instinct: Heeding Your Heart'sUnrest" and "A Faith Worth Believing") and a hospice chaplain inColorado Springs, Colo., has felt surprised that terminally illpeople often don't fear death as much as losing their loved ones. Healso has found that people don't talk as much about their impendingdeath or passage as they do about their illness, their feelings andtheir life's experiences.

The old adage that we should live in a way that we won't haveregrets at our death is born out in Stella's experience with terminalpatients.

Whether their spirituality is based upon religious or humanisticvalues, he finds that those who have lived according to their deepestvalues tend to die peacefully.

Howard Lunche, a Berkeley licensed clinical social worker whoprovides grief classes and individual psychotherapy, feels that dyingpeople and their loved ones often fail to communicate as much as theywould like because each is overly solicitous about placing unduestress on the other. Family members sometimes don't want to seem tobe anticipating their relative's death or they keep waiting for theright time to express important feelings until there is no time left.

Sometimes the ill person initiates communication.

Lunche recounts a man who shared his experience of illness anddying in detail with friends via the Internet. He welcomed theirparticipation and support.

Just like life, death is a mystery. It can challenge or destroysomeone's beliefs or rekindle faith convictions in a skeptical orcynical person.

Probably the best preparation for death is a life lived and sharedas fully as possible. This day and every day invites us to let go ofold life and embrace new life.

- For information about Howard Lunche's classes and services, call(510) 841-2930.

Sandra J. Cohen, R.N., and Roger Cormier are consultants who helpEast Bay families plan and coordinate care of an older relative athome or in a care facility. You can reach them at (510) 652-3377 or(925) 945-8855 or visit www.elderaremanagers.com.