If everything had gone as planned, Rachel Safier would havecelebrated her second anniversary this summer. Over a romantic dinnerwith her husband, they would have laughed about the pre-weddingjitters -- the day when she threw her engagement ring on the bed,tossed clothes into a bag, and barreled out the door.
Except for the wedding, that's pretty much how it happened. Oneminute she was engaged to be married in two weeks, the next she wasan ex-fiancee. It was o-v-e-r. She went looking for a book to helpher through this heartbreaking time, but couldn't find one. So shewrote it herself: "There Goes the Bride" -- a survival guide to themessy etiquette of broken engagements. What to do with the ring, thedress, the caterer, the presents, the parents, the pain, the ex.
"It's just this terrible irony: this traumatic and horrible timein your life, and there are all these things to do to unplan awedding," says Safier. "It's pretty much the last thing on Earth youwant to do."
They were, after all, planning to spend their lives together.She's a writer, he's a teacher. They dated 10 months, and he proposedon one knee in a sculpture garden. They were engaged for another 10months. They bought a house in Washington together, shared a dog. Butthe closer they got to the wedding date, the more secret doubts shehad, although it was her fiance who actually broke the engagement.That was two years ago, and they haven't spoken since that day --except for e-mails to settle the financial details of their split.
And they aren't alone. There are no official statistics onengagements, but Safier (using premarital counseling data) estimatesthat up to 20 percent of engaged couples call it off before thewedding -- about 500,000 people a year. That's an awful lot ofcanceled receptions, unworn dresses, heartbroken jilters and jiltees.
And plenty of women asking, "Do I have to give back the ring?"
Safier, 33, looks almost too relaxed and happy. If she's harboringany lingering bitterness, it doesn't show. In fact, the oppositeseems true: The book is dedicated, "To the man I almost married: Ihope that you, too, have come through this tough time stronger,happier, and better than you were before. I wish you a very happylife."
Aside from that, there are no details about their relationship.Safier, in fact, refuses to publicly name him in the book or ininterviews.
The book is . . . well, let's just admit it: It's a chick book.It's for Almost Brides (Safier's term), by Almost Brides. There's nomale point of view because she started writing two days after thebreakup. "At that time, I couldn't have cared less," she says. "Itsort of started as a 'You go, girl -- I got through it, you can,too.' And then my first contributor renamed it 'The LemonadeProject.' "
It's a chick book because women usually feel responsible whenrelationships go wrong and obsess about the when, why and what-ifs.Guys, even brokenhearted ex-fiances, are more likely to stare blanklyat ESPN SportsCenter than read a self-help book on the subject. "Mentend to go into their cave and not discuss it," she says. Safier'scousin, who called off his own wedding a couple years earlier, phonedwhen he heard about her breakup.
"Bobby, what do I do?" she wailed.
"Go to Vegas," he told her. "That helped me."
That was, of course, the last thing she wanted to do. During herengagement, Safier logged on regularly to The Knot -- the popularInternet wedding site -- for ideas, advice and support. So it wasnatural to look there for other Almosts when she decided to writeabout it. In the end, 62 twenty-somethings shared their stories forthe book; two-thirds were the ones to ultimately break off theirengagement. None was a Runaway Bride (leaving their fiances standingat the altar or left there themselves), but one wedding was calledoff just a week before the ceremony:
"I knew something was wrong when I didn't feel the least bit happyabout what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life." -- Laura
"I realized that it would not work. I took my engagement ring off.Looked him squarely in the eye and threw the ring at his head. Toldhim to go get *&$#ed and walked out. Not very ladylike but I feltmuch better." -- Andrea.
The closer to the wedding date, the greater the pressure to gothrough with it. Who wants to embarrass herself so publicly? Or wasteall that money? It's easy, Safier says, to dismiss real doubts as pre-wedding stress. Every married couple has a story -- a huge fightbefore the ceremony over the color of the Jordan almonds or somethingequally silly. When Safier started losing weight and gettingmigraines, she fought back the feeling that this marriage was wrong.Safier's mom reassured her that her feelings were normal: "Oh,everyone gets cold feet!"
So when a wedding actually gets canceled, people say stupidthings. Safier's been collecting her favorite idiot quotes:
"I can't tell you it's going to get better. I'm not one of thosepeople who believes it does."
"Did you ignore the signs?"
"We had the same problem -- but my husband really wanted to bewith me, so it worked out."
Safier shakes her head. "Several people said to me, 'Is he gay?' "she says. " 'Are you cheating on him? Did he cheat on you?' "
Right after the breakup, her best friend came down from New Yorkto help her move into her new apartment near Dupont Circle. It was aFriday night, and at the last minute, the two women decided to attendservice at the gay and lesbian synagogue around the corner. Safierran into her wedding caterer. "I thought, that's going to go rightthrough the grapevine: 'Here's the reason they broke up. She'sactually a lesbian.' " Looking back, it cracks her up.
Yes, yes, yes. You have to give back the ring. Even if he brokethe engagement.
"Always give it back," says Safier. "It's the menschy thing to do,it's the right, kind thing to do."
It's also the legal thing to do, should it come to that. Mostjudges consider the ring property of the man if he paid for it. Butplenty of Almosts believe they deserve to keep the diamond becausetheir ex was such a jerk -- or words to that effect:
"Kept mine, and four years later he still bugs me for it back! Iam planning on selling it soon." -- Joan.
"Took it off the minute we were finished talking and never put itback on or took a second look at it. Rudely, he also wanted a diamondnecklace he got me, but I told him that was a gift and there was noway." -- Lynn.
The law is less clear regarding the recovery of other expenses. .The closer to the wedding date, the less chance of a refund ofdeposit money from the band, reception site, caterer, photographer.
Safier was expecting more than 150 people to attend thecelebration. She sent a mass e-mail to her friends announcing thecancellation, which was followed up with formal announcement cards toall the guests. Her reception site, Oxon Hill Manor, refunded theentire deposit. But the couple still lost "several thousand" bycalling it off. Safier's ex was more than fair and generous. "He wasvery kind and mature about everything. He was a model ex-fiance."Safier received an e-mail recently from an Almost Bride who neededadvice about finances. Her bridesmaids wanted to be reimbursed fortheir dresses -- and the cost of the shower they gave for her.
"I said, 'If you want to stay friends with them, you couldconsider giving them back the money that they spent on the dress. Ifyou want to stay friends with them, realizing that they are cheap andpossibly even jerks, then yes, you can reimburse them for the shower.Otherwise, you don't have to."
Safier has become the engagement expert, the Queen of hits and not-quite-Mrs. This being high wedding season, there are lots ofinterviews, plus her Web site, theregoesthebride.com, and anotherbook in the works: "How Not to Get Married Just Yet."
She would like to get hitched -- eventually. "I do want to getmarried," she says. Her parents were married for 38 happy years untilher father died this spring. "I am pro the right marriage. So, yes, Iwant to get married -- but only if I find that connection."
She's already got the dress: A $1,200 wedding gown from Rizik thatwas waiting to be picked up just before her wedding day. Would shewear it for her next one?
"No one else I know has said yes to that question -- but yes." Sheticks off the reasons: Her fiance never saw it, it's beautiful -- andbesides, she couldn't return it because it was taken in for herincreasingly nerve-racked body. She could have resold or consignedit, but decided to keep it instead.
Speaking of weddings: Safier's ex-fiance is getting married thisweekend. At least, that's what she heard through the grapevine.
Unless . . . nah.
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